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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this episode of the Stable Living Podcast. My name is Shane Jacob and I appreciate you taking your time to be here with me today. I intend to bring you great value, so I appreciate you being here and I think you will be too.
You know, let me just say that the word duty, okay, the word duty, I don't hear it much. You know, it seems like I heard it more when I was younger. I was a Boy Scout and I'm proud of that. I was an Eagle Scout. And I'm proud of that.
In fact, I come from a long line of Eagle Scouts. My dad, my grandpa is, on both sides, my great grandpa. You know, I learned so much as a Boy Scout, it was a great experience.
And anyway, I think I can maybe still remember this Scout oath: On my honor, I will do my best to do my duty to God and my country. Okay. To obey the Scout law, help other people at all times, to keep my fellow self physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight.
But on my honor, I will do my best to do my duty. Just reminds me of the word duty. So to me, duty means it means a responsibility. It means I am, it means a moral obligation. It means that I am morally obligated to do something. That's what it means to me.
And this is an important message today. So I'm glad that you're here, and that is because I'm going to ask you to consider accepting a duty for yourself, a moral obligation that you may not have considered yet. Matter of fact, I doubt you have.
So if it is a moral obligation, therefore, it seems like you would consider it to be pretty important. And I know I do. Okay. I think you will too.
And I want to tell you what you, what I believe that our duty is, my duty, your duty, and everyone's duty. Okay.
See, I talk about self-beliefs a lot. Okay. That's what I talk about a lot. I talk about what each of us believe about ourselves, plus and minus, good and bad, beliefs that we're very aware of and that we say out loud, we hear ourselves say about ourselves, and also beliefs that we're not really, we don't really know, we're not really aware of, okay? They're just running in the background all the time, you know, driving our behavior.
Kind of like a, it's kind of like an app or a, I don't know, I'm not too much of a computer guy, but something on your phone or your computer that's running in the background. It's controlling everything that's going on, but you don't see it.
Thoughts like that or thoughts that both that we are aware of and that we're even saying out loud or thinking out loud and we know what we're talking about ourselves. And then thoughts that are running in the background, all of that, okay. What we believe to be true about ourselves and what we think about ourselves. Okay. This is what I talk a lot about.
The thoughts that we think over and over that become our beliefs, they become our belief system. And these beliefs, this belief system is the foundation, fix my chair there, is the foundation for all of our behavior in this lifetime, for everything we do. Okay.
It's important because it's so important because how we relate to ourselves is how we relate to the world.
It's our frame of reference. It's our paradigm, okay?
Most of us haven't thought much about this subject. And that's okay. As a matter of fact, let me ask you right now. Let me ask you some questions. Got some questions.
Let me see what I got here. How valuable, just answer these about you, if you will, how valuable are you? What is the amount of your value? How much do you think you deserve of anything? Are you as good as the best people you know or the best people you've ever heard of? Do you deserve full forgiveness for those things you've done? Are you acceptable? Do you deserve love? Belonging? Are you important? Are you significant? Are some people better than you are? Are you dependable?
What about the people or those or that person that did those things to you? What does that mean about you? What about all the mistakes, all the broken promises, the lies, the failed goals? What about all that? What is that? What exactly does that mean about you?
Do you really believe you deserve all the good stuff? Do you really? Are you worthy of it? Do you love you? Do you even think it's important? This view of yourself that I'm describing, do you want to love you? Do you want to love yourself unconditionally? How does that even sound to you? Does it sound weird, uncomfortable to think about?
I mean, can you say, can you look in the mirror and say, “I love you, Shane.” Now, wait a minute. Don't say I love you Shane. Don't use my name. Insert your name there. Okay. Go ahead. Say it, can you say it? Just try that. I mean, did you? I mean, how'd it feel if you did? Did you believe it if you said it?
And some of us have been taught that a good view of ourselves or to go around thinking we're great is a bad idea. It's wrong, that we're not supposed to like ourselves, that we should only like other people. And good thoughts or words about ourselves is wrong.
And let me just tell you, I think that that idea started with good intentions. You know, I think most people get arrogance and confidence confused. Okay. I think arrogance means that I, I'm better than you, or I feel like I'm better than other people. That is exactly what I'm not talking about.
And I think that the reason that people have tried, have got this message confused is they said, you know, don't go around thinking, putting all the emphasis on you because you know, people are thinking that you're, because that implies that you're better than somebody else. Well, you don't have to think you're better than somebody else to like yourself, but I think that's where that kind of thinking came from.
So therefore, we've all been taught that if you think you're okay or you think you're pretty good or magnificent or great, or you love yourself, it's something damn wrong with it. Like you're like, it means something to somebody else and it doesn't.
Like I said, I think it came from a place of good intention. But remember, arrogance or thinking that I think that somebody, that I'm better than somebody else, which is again not exactly the opposite of what I'm talking about, where that comes from. That kind of mentality comes from a lack of belief about what I think about myself. It comes from I believe that I'm inferior. So therefore I need to prove to you and to the world that I'm superior.
So that's where that comes from, that cycle. I mean, decades and worth of psychology research is proven again and again and again that that's where this the fundamental that thinking comes from. Okay. That the thinking I'm better than you comes from thinking I'm not good enough. Bottom line. Okay.
So I think that we just overdid it with that idea that we shouldn't like ourselves because if we do like and love ourselves then that frame of reference gives us the ability, the capacity to like and love other people more. We don't need to prove that we're better. We don't need to draw the attention to ourselves. We don't need to run around saying we're great. We know it. We know it. We have come to know and feel and believe some of us, that some degree, all of us to one degree or another, hopefully, that we're not only acceptable, but we're lovable and we have this unconditional love.
You can develop an unconditional loving relationship with yourself, but just like any relationship with any other person or any other creature. Just like any other relationship we'll say, it's an ongoing lifelong pursuit. It's not something like, yeah, I like myself. Okay. And it's over now. Okay. This is like an everyday deal.
Christians are taught here. Here's another argument for the idea that some people say, “Well, you know, you're spending too much time thinking about you. Need to go think about your neighbor.” Which I believe that we ought to take care of our neighbors and that's what this message of duty is all about. Christians are taught, here's an argument, just consider this, Christians are taught that God loves us, okay? Each one of us unconditionally, okay? You know what I say? I say follow his lead, okay? Do the same, do the same for you.
And by the way, what is there to lose? That's my big question. What the hell are you gonna lose?
You're going to be spending the rest of your life with yourself with more than more than any other person. You're the one that's going to be there most, not most, all the time. Okay. More than anybody else, you're going to be with you. You're the individual that will know you better than anyone. You'll always be with you day and night and you'll spend the most time with the person you can spend the most time with you. Okay. So I'm asking you what the hell's the downside of improving your relationship with you? That's the question.
Okay, so far nobody's given me an answer for that, you know, a legitimate answer of what could be a downside. I'm just asking you to consider the idea of possibly considering pursuing a relationship with yourself that is good and is healthy and is also getting to this duty because of what it means to the rest of the world. See? All these self-beliefs about yourself is at the root of all of your behavior. That's why it's important. It's why you do, it's why I and you, it's why we do what we do.
These beliefs and others, our self beliefs cause us to feel a certain way and how they cause you to feel drives your actions, all of your actions. What people don't realize is that we get to choose all these beliefs. They are choices. They're not based on any other thing than what we decide to base it on. There's no rules. There's no, there's no requirements. There's no limits. We get to choose what we believe about ourselves based on whatever the hell we choose to do. Okay. And it's a choice.
If you understand that it's a choice, you can make the choice. If you're not aware of it, you're not going to do anything about it. And a lot of people live and die without even considering this. And what I'm suggesting is, is that we're not doing a service to ourselves and our fellowmen and the rest of the world. If we do so, when we have the, if you have the knowledge, I'm asking you to consider going for this idea. The idea of developing a loving relationship with yourself ongoing for the rest of your life.
And you get to choose what you think about you is my point right now. And here's an example of how this works. Let's just say this is one little teeny tiny example. Let's just say that for the last three years you've been late for every single appointment that you promised that you committed to be to for three years.
Here's what you could think about that if you wanted to. You could think, I'm always late for everything. That would be true. Okay. You could think that thought, I'm always late to everything. Let's see what time it is. Well, yep. I'm to be late again. I'm always late for everything.
Choosing this thought. Remember, keep in mind the word, choosing this thought. I'm always late. Okay. It could cause you to feel defeated. I think you could agree that that would be a possibility for a thought when you are feeling when you think that thought that I'm always late for everything. And when we feel defeated, let's just say that you thought that thought and you felt defeated. And when we feel defeated, okay, we usually don't try, okay, we're not gonna try to do anything different, we're gonna be late. So the result is we're always late for everything, ongoing in the future. Okay. And that's where our life is because we've chosen to do that thought.
Now, here's the here's the other side of that. Okay. The same exact scenario. Okay. You've been late for every single appointment that you've committed to in the last three years, but this time you choose to think that, “Hey, I've given that on time or that on time thing, a break for three years. I've tried being late. I didn't particularly enjoy it. And I saw the results of what it had in my relationships and my life. And I've tried that for a few years. I've tried it out, being fashionably late. And I've decided to go back to being on time early because deep down,” here's the thought you're going to choose, “I'm a person who respects other people's time and mine. So I always show up on time.”
That's a long thought. “I, I'm a person who respects other people's time and mine. So I always show up on time.” We'll go with that. “I'm a person who respects other people's time and mine.” Okay. Now, if you think that thought, how does that make you feel? Okay. I think you're not going to feel defeated when you think that thought. You're more likely to feel energized or hopeful at least if you choose that thought. Remember it's a choice.
Okay, when you feel energized, you're a hell of a lot more likely to plan ahead and be on time. And the result in your life is that you're going to show up on time or at least more of the time on time, okay, in the future. The point is regardless, see what the deal is here is the circumstance of you having been late for one thing for three years didn't make a damn bit of difference. The only thing that makes a difference is what you choose to think about you regardless of nothing with no limits.
That's, that's the point I'm trying to bring home right there. Hopefully it worked. Hopefully you are, you're, you're with me. Okay. Because we have been given human beings are given the gift of agency or the gift of choice to choose. Okay. That's the gift of choice. You get to choose what you think about you. Okay. And you can think again, whatever you want, no restrictions people, bar none, open the gates. Everything's wide open. Okay. No limitations, anything you want. How does that feel? Okay.
You get to think about, what if you could think about, what if you could think whatever you want to about you? What if you could believe anything you wanted to about you? Just a question, think it over. And I mean, how does that feel? To me, it feels like freeing, liberating. It feels empowering is what it does.
I'm going to tell you a story about me. Okay. And this comes back to the duty and what my subject is today and what I thought about me and duty. Okay.
In my younger days, okay? I've committed crimes. People suffered. They suffered terribly. Okay? I was a felon. I'd been to prison. I'd been to the big house. I'd been locked up in four county jails and three state prisons. Okay?
I was an alcoholic. I drank every single day. When I was done, expired my sentence, got out of jail, I drank every single day. Okay? A lot. Not like I had a drink here and there. I drank more than 20 beers per day for over 20 years, 20 and 20. Do the math on that. At the end of it, it was way more than 20 per day. Okay.
I used tobacco. was overweight. I didn't like me. I didn't like what I was done. I didn't even like to think about me very much. Okay. And what I had done and what I was doing and what it all meant about me, I didn't like how I about when I thought about me because I was ashamed and I felt guilt and ashamed and disgusted with myself. So I tried not to think about me.
You know, I wanted to be a good husband. I wanted to be a good father. I wanted to be a good provider. I wanted to be liked and loved by other people. I wanted to be respected and admired and I thought I could have it all regardless of what I thought about me.
I didn't think that what I thought about me mattered. I thought that's one thing I'll deal with that later. I don't want to think about it doesn't feel good because I can focus on other people. I can do what I can do. And that's a separate thing over there. I can be a good father and a good husband and all this. And what I think about me doesn't matter.
I was wrong. Okay. I wasn't completely aware of it at the time, but what was inside of me, it showed. Okay. I couldn't hide it. It came out. I reacted to what happened to me, and it was automatic and it was based on what was inside of me. Okay.
I didn't plan it. I acted in ways that I was ashamed of. I kept doing the same things, kept doing the same behavior. And the shame that I felt, that continued to fuel the cycle. I just stuck in this cycle of shame and guilt. It was not very good time. Okay. And my world slowly just disintegrated around me. Okay.
I've been getting drunk every day for 22 years, everyday, every single day, no misses. And then my wife had had it. My then wife had had it. It was over. Okay. I tried to salvage my marriage, but it was just way too little, way too late. It was over.
My 17 year marriage ended in divorce. I lost half the business, half the house, half of everything. My kids were growing gone and I never was the dad. This makes me sad that they needed me to be, you know, that wasn't me. I didn't do it and it was gone. It was over. Okay.
And that's just that. The people that were the closest to me don't even to mention all my other friends and family members and all the other people, all the people that worked for me and that I influenced during that period of time. Okay. Everybody within my influence.
And I'm going to give you the quote. Okay. This quote sums up the reason and the duty. Okay. This is the subject, sums up the subject of duty. Okay. Fully, here goes the quote, fully accepting ourselves and unconditionally loving ourselves is not a good idea. It is our duty to mankind, for without a commitment to pursue this ideal, we cannot develop the capacity to fully love the people that we care about or make the contribution to the world that we were destined to make. Disregarding this endeavor not only limits ourselves, we limit our full sphere of influence.
This guy's got some wordy quotes, okay? I mean, yeah, it's a lot of words and it's a lot to take in. I don't know who the hell this quote came from. Oh it's me. But I'm going to say it again, cause it's a lot. Okay. Just stay with me here. Okay.
Fully accepting ourselves and unconditionally loving ourselves is not a good idea. It is our duty to mankind, for without a commitment to pursue this ideal, we cannot develop the full capacity. To love the people we care about, to fully love the people we care about, or make the contribution to the world that we were destined to make. Disregarding this endeavor not only limits ourselves, we limit our full sphere of influence.
So what does all those words mean? Basically, here's the deal, okay? It's not just about you. It's not just about you. I can tell you all day long that if you focus on changing, moving the needle on how you feel about you no matter where you're at.
Let's just say you think you're amazing. Okay, if you continue to move that, maintain or move that needle even into more unconditional love for yourself. Or if you're on the other end over here where I was for so long, okay. And you continue to move that needle a little bit this way. If you commit to that, it's going to change everything in your world because everything about you is coming out to the rest of the world and it influences everybody.
Everybody around you. You think, I thought, okay, in my example. yeah, it doesn't matter. The hell it doesn't matter, it matters to everybody who's important to you and it matters to the world.
So what I say is yeah, I can tell you this is a good idea and you know, you're going to make more money. You're going to have better relationships. You're going to have more peace and joy. You're going to be feel more successful. It's going to be great. Okay. And all that is true.
In addition, okay, you're just kind of the collateral. I mean, that's an extra benefit as far as I'm concerned, because the bigger picture, the bigger picture to this, and by the way, it's not insignificant. Don't let me say that. Because what happens to a human being is they move the needle is unbelievable. mean, is earth's shaking, quaking, unbelievable stuff in your lives that stuff in our lives.
I mean, look, I, walked into a detox and I was done after 22 years of drinking. was there for three days and two nights. I quit tobacco. I did all, everything just starts to change when you can shed the beliefs about yourself that are holding you back. Okay. That's the damn deal.
So all of this stuff that is inside of you, makes a difference in people that you love. You do not have the capacity to give what you don't have inside of you.
The way you think about you, gives you the capacity to think about the people, to behave in a way to the people that you love, that you care about deeply the most in this world. And by the way, you will not be able to make your, reach full potential unless you consider this idea and commit to moving, improving your view of you.
And man, why wouldn't you? Like I said, why the hell wouldn't you? You gotta be around you the whole rest of your life anyway. I make it as good as it can be.
And if you wonder if this is true or not, I'm just going to ask you to take my word for it. You're worth it. You are worth it. And the people around you are worth it and living is worth it.
Remember that my friends, thanks for being with me. Remember you cannot fail as long as you Don't Ever Stop Chasin’ It.
