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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this episode of the Stable Parenting Podcast. My name is Shane Jacob, your host, and I thank you for taking your time to be here with me today.
You know, I've been thinking lately about all the people in my life that have influenced me the most. That have had the biggest impact that I really, you know, the ones that are gone, the ones that I miss the most. And the ones that are here, the ones that I appreciate the most, the ones that I'm really drawn to, the people that I connected with the most and had the biggest impact on my life.
And the more that I think about the people who have influenced me, and the more that I think about what it is that they did for me, the more committed, the more driven I am to develop myself. And I'll tell you why.
Let me ask you this, what about the people that have influenced you? What about the people that have had the biggest impact on your life? You know, if you think about, just think about what it is that made them special to you, okay?
And most likely it's not because of their, they were, had this great wisdom. They were not necessarily, because of their IQ. Not necessarily because of their high achievements, you know, what they were able to, necessarily their, the money they had in the bank, you know, their perceived success or whatever. It's doubtful that it was even their skills or ability, because somebody was a, you know, had great skill. A lot of times we admire that, but a lot of, most of the time, their skills or ability is not the people that influence us the most just because of their skills or ability.
If you think about it, really what it is that those few people in your life that have impacted you the most, I think you'll discover the same as I did, that there's two basic reasons that you feel so connected to those amazing people that influenced you so much. Okay?
Number one, to me, see if this is true for you also, is how they live their life.
When you look at those people, admire how, like, you revere these people for who you believe that they are or who that they were, okay? For the values that they have, for their integrity to those values, and the way that they demonstrated in their life that they lived their values, that they stood for something and that they lived it, okay? They were true to their values.
The second thing, number two, is how you feel or how you felt when you were with them, when you spent time together with them, okay? Basically, you connected with them in a way that helped you feel important about yourself. You felt valued, you felt loved.
Those are the two things that I've found about the people that have influenced me the most, okay?
Now, why the hell does this matter? Why are you talking about this, Shane? I'm gonna tell you why and how it makes sense today in parenting.
You know, most of us, the people I talk to in Stable Living Coaching and when I look into the world everywhere that I see, most of us are really doing a good job. We're doing all that we can. And if you ask people, they're doing it all. You know, they're doing as much as they know how. We're giving it what we've got. You know, we're providers. We bring home the bacon. Yeah. You know, “Hey, who do you think pays for all this stuff? You think that money grows on trees?
You know, we cook and clean. Stop eating that junk. You're gonna get diabetes, your teeth are gonna fall out. Hey, I know what's healthy for you. I've been shopping or I had it delivered. I even paid the utilities so we have a fridge to keep all this stuff in. And I prepare the food and I'm gonna clean it up, so you're gonna eat it, mister or missus. Because when you're done, I gotta clean up all this stuff and start over.
I'm coordinating, I keep my job put together and keeping my job coordinated with all your school activities, your sports activities, your church activities. Hey, did you get your homework done anyway? Your gymnastics class, your music, your soccer, your health, keep trying to keep healthy meals, the phone guards. Hey, anyway, how long you been on that phone today? You're gonna ruin your brain if you don't cool it with those video games.
What time did you get home last night anyway? Cause I couldn't stay up, I fell asleep. Do you even realize that I also have a life here? I'm trying to hold my own relationships together, keep my job, go to the gym, keep this house clean, keep up with everyone and everything you guys are doing, and finance it all.
Hey, should I be doing something about your emotional needs also? And when the hell is there supposed to be time for all that to fit in?”
You know, people, I know we're doing the best we can, and most of us are doing a pretty damn good job. And I'm not here to tell you what to do with your life or how to be a parent or that I know better than you know or any other damn thing else. I am here to help if it's something that you want, and to offer things for you to consider. Or if you're stuck or feel stuck or don't know how to get past something, to work on that also.
Now, one thing about parenting is that we've all heard, I'm gonna make sure I don't have any more interruptions right here real quick, we've all heard the idea that... We've all heard this, I don't know how many times have we heard, “lead by example, right? We've heard "Lead by example." That's going to be the only thing that makes the difference here. People hear what you do, not what they say. Okay. We've heard that, “Actions speak louder than words.” "Do as I say, not as I do.” I mean, we know that's a recipe for disaster. Okay?
So let's go into detail about precisely how to best go about this idea of being a good example. I mean, we hear it, but sometimes I don't know if it's really kind of really sinking in and what it means. I want to talk to you about that a little bit because it's really important.
When I was young, and maybe you can relate to this also, anybody older than me, my elders would tell me how to be, know, what I should be doing, how to live my life, and so on and so on. That's what I thought, you know, that's what I heard. That's what I heard back then, that's what I thought about it.
Sometimes I'd listen to them and I'd look at those people and just think, you know, you seem so miserable, so agitated, so stressed, so anxious and so unhappy and resentful, so superior, so not anything appealing to me. Why in the hell, okay, would I ever consider taking your advice and doing what you say?
Now, I mean, maybe that was kind of an arrogant attitude, but I did think those thoughts, you know.
And then there's the rule book that we have as parents. There's that too. We have this rule book that says as long as you follow these rules, you’re gonna, all your kids are going to be perfect if you keep the rules. But everybody has a little bit different rule book, okay.
These rules guarantee solid, well-adjusted, good citizens will be produced if you follow these rules exactly to the T.
Okay, each family has their own. And you know where they get the list? Primarily, the list comes from their parents. Okay. It also comes, though, from the internet, from books, from seminars and courses, and advice from friends with kids, like advice from, you know, your peers, your friends.
You know, things like: respect your elders. “Hey, respect your elders. Don't ever lie. Stay on schedule. Kids need structure. Stay on schedule. Obey your parents and teachers. Eat a balanced diet. Eat more greens. Brush your teeth. And do it for two minutes. Two minutes! Make your bed. Keep your room tidy. This isn't a pig pen. Were you born in a barn? Two hours of screen time a day. Max. That's it. Okay? Max. No profanity. Hey, it's past bedtime. Don't go out with them dirty clothes on. What do you think people would think?” And on and on and on. Okay? We have the rules now.
The rules and routines are important, but here's the thing. I love this quote. It's from Brené Brown, and she said it best, I believe. She said, "Who we are and how we engage with the world are much stronger predictors of how our children will do than what we know about parenting."
Okay. I'm going to say that again. “Who we are and how we engage with the world as parents have more to do with, are stronger predictors of, excuse me, are stronger predictors of how our children will do than what we know about parenting.” Okay, this coming from an expert, doctor. Like I said, I love that.
So go back now, go back to those people in your life that we talked about in the beginning, that influenced you so much, that you're so drawn to, that you admire, that you want to emulate. Go back to those people who had the biggest impact, and think about that. Okay?
Here's the bottom line. Who we are, what our kids see when they see us, how we engage with the world around us, and how we engage with them means the most. It means the most. Everything else matters, we still have to pay the bills, but it matters the most.
So what do our kids see when they see us?
What do they see when they see us? You think they say, “Hell yeah, I'll do what you're suggesting. I want to have what you have. I want to be like you.” Is that what they're saying?
Because I'm suggesting that if we want our kids to be outstanding, to have extraordinary lives amidst all the messiness and ugliness and contention and all the challenges that are real out there in the world, and all the imperfection that we have as humans, that our primary focus, okay, as parents, is to be on ourselves, becoming outstanding, and live an extraordinary life.
When we feel like coming down on our kids, when we're frustrated, when we're overworked, when we're underpaid, when we're overwhelmed, that we first look at ourselves and we say to ourselves:
You know, I work on this every day in my own relationships with my own kids, and it's not all roses. I will guarantee you that. I make mistakes, I hurt feelings, I react on autopilot. But because of my commitment to me, okay, which is not just for myself. It is because of the love that I want the people in my life to feel, including my coaching clients, and including you listening, by the way.
I accept myself as much as I can. I forgive myself. I work to continually accept myself more. I forgive myself. I love myself. And that gives me the capacity to love and positively influence others more.
So, you know, we work on these kinds of things in detail and at length at Stable Living Coaching. And I just want you to know, if you don't already, we have several free resources at stablelivingcoaching.com.
You can get a free copy of The Country Code for Stable Parenting, which is a nice little printable deal. I have one that you can hang on your wall. This one's framed. It does not come with the frame. If you're watching, it looks like this. You can find one of these to print at stablelivingcoaching.com.
It's the Country Code for Stable Living. It's kind of the rules for country people, like I said. But it's what we do to try to be those extraordinary people, that our kids will see in us what they want to become, and it will help us help them more. So the Country Code is there, just so you know that.
And also, You Are Destined For Greatness. If you don't know that, I have a very short, like three or four minute, weekly video that I put out called You Are Destined For Greatness. You can sign up to get that in your inbox once a week. So those are there, so just know that.
Also, if you have a group or an organization, you can also, and you, I speak all over the place to groups, small or large, about, mostly about parenting, but about subjects of all types. So just know that you can sign up and schedule a call with me at stablelivingcoaching.com as well.
Hey, thank you for taking your time to be here with me today. Remember, you cannot fail as long as you Don't Ever Stop Chasin’ It.
