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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this episode of the Stable Parenting Podcast. My name's Shane Jacob, your host, and I thank you for taking your time to be here with me today.
I’ve got a super—I'm super excited about what we're talking about today, because it means so much to me, and it's such a big deal. And not very many people are really getting into it, talking about it, and they just don't, for whatever reason. It's a surprising thing.
There's one thing that makes the most difference in our lives. One thing. One thing that influences our behavior, influences our feelings, and influences our results more than any other thing. There's one thing that influences the people that we come in contact with more than any other thing, okay?
This certain thing is the cause of everything that we do that we like. And it's also the cause—underlying, at the root of, at the core of—everything that we do that we regret or that we wish that we want to change about ourselves or we regret that we wish we would have done different, okay? Everything.
So, for example, I just want to go through a list of things. A lot of these things I've done or I do, some of these things I'm working on. See if you can see yourself in these—in this list of things that you may do that you want to change about you. And then we'll come back to the one thing—why you're doing it and how to change it if you want to.
So how about when you say yes when you really wanted to say no? This one thing is the reason we swallow our words when we need to speak up. It's the one reason that we shrink ourselves, because we—in an effort to try to make other people feel comfortable—we diminish ourselves.
It's why we procrastinate. It's because this one thing causes us to want to have everything perfect all the time, or perfectionism. It's the times that we over-apologize. It's why some of us are constantly seeking validation or approval. Passive aggressive—passive aggressiveness or passive aggressive communication. Overthinking things, just like overthinking things, okay.
Avoiding conflict, overworking, people pleasing, comparing ourselves to other people. Imposter syndrome, okay—which is we don't think that we qualify for what we have. We accidentally are where we are at because we're really not good enough to have the results that we're getting. That's what imposter syndrome is.
Avoiding intimacy or avoiding vulnerability. Of course, when we do that, we don't get to have the connection we so deeply, deeply want. But the reason that we avoid intimacy and vulnerability is because of this one thing.
Being defensive. I mean, I have to work on this all the time. Sometimes I just have these reactions, and I'm just reacting in a defensive way, in an unkind way. I haven't even thought about it, right? I have to go back and break it down, see what's happening, then try to repair it and not do it again in the future. I've talked about this, but being defensive, okay?
This one thing is why sometimes I can react in a defensive way. Criticizing others. Withdrawal or stonewalling. Hoarding or clinging on to all of our possessions. And how about this one? All addictive behaviors. All addictive behaviors are because of this one thing.
Overreacting, like I said, to minor issues. Lying or exaggerating. Interrupting conversations. Micromanaging every little thing about every little thing all the time. Overpromising, okay—overpromising and under-delivering. Feeling dismissive or uncomfortable when somebody gives us a compliment. I've had to work on that one also.
Neglecting taking care of ourselves, neglecting self-care. Constantly changing our goals, like constantly changing goals. Being forgetful. Excessive daydreaming. Gossiping. Avoiding responsibility. Thinking in a—being a victim, or just thinking—kind of having a victim mentality, that we're at the effect of and being a victim.
Overusing humor. Ever do this one where it's like you're like too much teasing, like you took it too far, you're constantly, you know, making jokes? Too much—overusing humor. Or overusing self-deprecating humor, like you're always making fun of yourself constantly, right?
Just being flaky, which means not keeping your promises to yourself and other people. Pretending to know more than you actually know. Interrupting others. Feeling the need to speak before someone else finishes their thought. Getting irritated in traffic. Reacting angrily when other people make mistakes. Huffing or sighing loudly.
Rolling your eyes during the conversation. Being impatient when you're waiting for technology. Finishing other people's sentences. Snapping at our kids or our pets or our horses. Speaking over the top of other people. Jumping to conclusions. Rushing through meals with your family. Downplaying your success. That's a big one—downplaying our success.
Different ways that we self-sabotage. Indecisiveness. Over-explaining. Over-reacting to people's criticism, or even if it's constructive criticism. Clinging on to toxic relationships. Arrogance, which just means any big or small thoughts about you being better than somebody else in any way. Not better at a certain thing, but better—meaning more value or superior—to another human being.
Feeling entitled. Feeling overwhelmed. Feeling defeated. Excessive screen time. And feeling controlled.
That's a lot of stuff. What I'm saying is, this is just to name a few. One thing—and this is based on mountains and years and years and decades of, I don't know, maybe even centuries of research from the scientific community—one thing, one thing leads us to sacrifice our time, our boundaries, our authenticity, sacrifice our solid connections that we have, and our dreams.
Because of this one big thing, we don't take risks. We live more of a diminished life. We're not out there, we're not going for it. We don't fully give the world the gift of us—the gift of you—all of you, okay? We don't get to experience all of what is available in this world because of one thing, okay?
Now, some of you who listen to this podcast have heard me talk about Brooke Castillo. She's the owner of Life Coach School, and she said that in 20 years of coaching people—okay, for a 20-year career—in all the people that she coached on every single issue and all the people that she taught to be coaches, okay?
Every issue that every client brought her had to do—came down to one thing in the corner. And it's the same one thing, okay? And besides the overwhelming research over the past 100 years, philosophers and authors have advised this for centuries about this one thing.
You know what's so interesting to me is that there's so little information or education, or it's not part of what we do and what we know. It's less commonplace. It's such a big and important and solid thing, yet we've all heard about it, but we're not actively involved in the process of it.
We don't really do much about it, and there's not a lot out there about it. There's not nearly enough to say that. Staggeringly, I can't figure out why most of us don't give it much weight. We don't understand. We don't fully understand one thing. We've heard about it, we know it's a thing, but we don't really understand it, so we’re not giving it much importance and much priority in our lives.
And there's surprisingly not very many practical ways or methods or things being taught or tools to develop this one thing. It's just not a lot of it out there. So, you ready? Okay.
You already know what the one thing is? Okay. One thing that has the most impact on every result you have in this lifetime is what you believe to be true about you. Period. End of story. Bar none. Okay?
Now just think about that. You might not even know right now and be able to clearly say it in a—you might not even be able to clearly say it in a sentence right now—what you think about you, and that's okay. A lot of us don't, or didn't, for a good part of our lives. You know, we didn't even know it was a thing to develop beliefs about what we believe about ourselves. We didn't even know.
And I'm not just talking about necessarily words or thoughts or, you know, or affirmations, which are things that we want to believe. I'm talking about what we actually believe about ourselves—what we actually believe to be true about ourselves. It makes all the difference.
So, when I ask people to give me three “I am” statements—say three, give me three “I am” statements about you—I am… Who are you? Not necessarily about what you've done, not about necessarily your job. Who are you inside of your heart and your mind and your soul? Who are you? What do you believe and know to be true about you? Okay?
And most people really have to think that through and try to come up with something, because they haven't really consciously thought about it very much. Here's the thing: if you're not thinking about it, if you're not doing anything to develop beliefs about yourself, okay, it's being done for you. It's happening.
You have beliefs about yourself, whether you know it or not, it's happening. It's being done for you by yourself—by your own awesome brain.
But the thing about it is, is in this case, what it's telling you about you—since you're not consciously aware of it and dictate what happens—all the things that it's telling you is not, it is not what you would choose to believe about you. It's just not. Certainly not in all the cases, okay. And that's just natural. That's the way our brain defaults, okay?
Our default brain will cause us to believe that we're not quite good enough, you know? We’re just a little bit deficient. We did pretty good, but you know, something was not quite. We're a little bit less than the rest. And that's what happens when our brains think for themselves—without a conscious decision, without intent, without living on purpose.
So, what if, regardless of your circumstances—what if, regardless of whatever circumstances you have or you had in your life—that you could think anything that you wanted to about yourself? What if you could think anything? What if you could think and believe anything that you wanted to about you? Anything. Anything, okay?
Because of course you can. Regardless of what you done. Regardless of what you've done, regardless of what you have not done, and regardless of what has been done to you. Okay? Regardless. You can believe anything you want to about yourself.
So, what will it be? Do you want to believe that you are amazing, that you are an amazing human being? Do you want to fully accept yourself for who you are, as you are? Do you want to fully forgive yourself for all those things—the little things, big things, whatever they are? Do you want to fully forgive yourself?
Do you want to trust and count on yourself? Do you want to be the person that you can depend on? You want to embrace fear more? Do you want to really feel confident inside?
Because here's the thing: you're going to spend more time with you than you're going to spend with any other human, with anyone, anybody else ever. Most of your time—all your time—is going to be spent with you.
So how do you want to feel about people? How do you want to not just feel—which is going to be the result of what you believe—but how do you want to feel? That's it. How do you want to feel about that?
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with an exceptional human being? Okay? That you? Somebody that you—someone that you love unconditionally? Or do you want to spend it with an average, mediocre person who never quite hits it right?
It’s completely your choice. You know, it's totally up to you.
Stable Living Coaching and Self-Worth
The book I'm writing, I include seven habits to develop self-worthiness. I highly recommend this book when it comes, okay. Just saying.
Stable Living coaching. My Stable Living Coaching, our Stable Living Coaching—me and the people that help me operate this company—a big part of it is teaching people how to commit to a personal pursuit, developing beliefs about themselves that they want, okay, whatever those are.
Most people—most people don't realize that they can change what they believe about themselves, and they can change beliefs, and it can be whatever they want it to be. People can change what they believe about themselves.
My Personal Transformation
I used to believe—firmly believe—that I didn't deserve to live. Straight up facts. I believed that for a long time. A long time, okay? And I don't anymore, okay? I don't believe that anymore.
I like me. Matter of fact, I respect me. I trust me. I'm somebody I can depend on. And I appreciate it. I'm pretty proud of me, you know? That's who I'm with.
You Deserve to Believe in Yourself
So, what about you? You deserve to believe exactly how you want to about you, okay. Here's what I can tell you: you are lovable, 100%.You're 100% worthy of all the goodness and abundance that we may award in this world.
You are invaluable. You are priceless. And you are perfectly imperfect as you are—as you are. And you can come to know that and accept it and more really fully internalize that, and come to love yourself more and more over time if you choose to. Okay.
Two Steps to Changing What You Believe
And it only takes two things.
Number one is, you ought to want it. Okay? You have to desire it.
Second of all, is just know how to create habits to move in the direction of believing—coming to believe—what it is that you want to about yourself.
Desire and know how to do it.
If you want help with it, you can schedule a call with me. You bring number one—the desire—and I'll show up with number two—the help, the how-to, okay.
Why Belief in Yourself Is a Big Deal
Because here's the thing: this one thing is so important, okay? It's really what makes the difference. It determines our outcomes. It's such a big deal.
I get so excited when I hear about this because I have lived and I see in other people, as they change, and as I change what I believed about me—and what turned my world upside down—and the same thing happens again, again, again.
I didn't come up with this stuff. I figured out somethings, and I learned a lot, and I saw myself, and then I learned more and more and more. And then I help other people learn what I learned, and I see them—and it is amazing. Okay.
A Quote on Self-Acceptance
And here's my quote about why it's so important. Here's my quote that I came up with about why it's so important, okay:
“Fully accepting ourselves and unconditionally loving ourselves is not a good idea. It is our duty to mankind, because without the commitment to pursue this ideal, we cannot fully love the people we deeply care about or make the contribution to the world that we were destined to make. Disregarding this endeavor—it not only limits ourselves, we limit our full sphere of influence.”
Think about it, my friend. Think about it. You are worth it.
Thank you for taking your time to be here with me today.
And remember, you cannot fail as long as you Don't Ever Stop Chasin’ It.
