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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this episode of the Stable Parenting Podcast. My name is Shane Jacob, your host. I thank you for taking your time to be here with me today.
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You know, today I wanted to talk about words and hurt feelings from words. And I've been getting a lot of comments. I've been hearing a lot about it. You know, kids are back talking parents.
And I've just noticed a lot lately that, you know, how much we say that we have hurt feelings and how much other people's words are really affecting us, and kind of the impact that it's having on our lives unintentionally.
And what we can do to improve how we manage our mind around other people's words in order to have an improved life experience, better relationships, and present to the world the way that we want to present to the world.
We all know, we've all heard, we hear this in school, right, that sticks and stones might break your bones, but words can never hurt me. Okay, well, that's kind of an interesting statement.
I think most of us think that words have hurt us actually. Have you ever thought about what the saying really means? What do you mean, words can never hurt me? Because sometimes it sure feels like they hurt.
So what does that mean? I mean, we all know that words can't physically hurt us. But do they emotionally or mentally cause us pain? Do words actually, actually hurt? You know, is the saying just nonsense? And if itis not nonsense, how do we go about letting words not hurt us?
How do we go about not getting hurt by words? Do we just somehow try to be not affected by other people's words since they're just merely words?
And how exactly, okay, why don't you tell me how exactly I'm going to go about this, you know, not being ever hurt by words. Okay. Is it simply by realizing that spoken words don't inflict physical pain? Is that enough?
And then that's enough so that I'm supposed to realize that and then words aren't supposed to hurt me? Because it doesn't seem like it's working out very well for a lot of us. Okay
The truth is, is that we're conditioned to be emotionally... we are conditioned. I got this thing going on with my S's because I have a temporary tooth and I'm having a little trouble speaking, saying my S’s right now. So if I sound a little different, that's why.
The truth is, is that we are conditioned, okay, throughout our lives to be emotionally irresponsible.
What I mean by that is to not be responsible for how we feel. Hey, you hurt my feelings. That was mean. That was disrespectful. And you upset me when you did. You made me cry. You made me feel bad.
And that just seems normal and natural, right? So it's left us somebody else to make us feel better. And when they make us feel bad, it's their fault. And if they don't, we're reliant on other people for how we feel.
That's emotionally irresponsible. And it seems to be acceptable in the way that most of us roll and live our lives unless we learn how to do it differently. Okay. And I'm suggesting that we learn how to do it differently.
Because of what's at stake and what is available to experience in this world if you intentionally start creating thoughts on purpose. And I'll tell you what I mean.
Most of the time, we are reacting to how we're feeling without a whole bunch of thought. The thing about it is that we feel like we're at the effect of someone else's words, like we're completely at the mercy of other people. We are totally powerless.
You can make me feel whatever you're going to make me feel, and that's going to be the way that it is. So I'm hoping that you're going to make me feel good, okay. But if you don't, I don't know what I'm going to do, because I mean, that's just what you're doing to me. And what am I going to do about it?
Okay, if you're a parent, think about what goes on when your kid talks back. Okay. What does that mean about you?
Because most of us, when we hear words and we say, you hurt my feelings, or that was mean, or you upset me, or all of the things, most of the time what we're making that mean is it means something about us.
I know I have done that, okay? I make it mean something about me, and then I react to it, and most of it happens so fast. A lot of times if we're not conditioned to think about it, we just react without thought and it's immediate.
If your kid says, talking about kids talking back, your kid talks back and says, “I don't have to do what you say. I hate you. I wish you weren't my mom or dad,” one or the other. “My so and so, my friend's mom doesn't do that. My friend's mom's better than you.”
Something like that. “I hate living here,” you know, and so on and so on. “So and so's dad doesn't do that.” And on and on it goes.
So, parents are not... Think about something that someone has said to you that, quote unquote, hurt your feelings, okay?
As adults, a lot of times our parents say things that we take offense to. Maybe you think your parents are constantly telling you how to live your life, and you think that they don't think that you're capable.
Maybe your spouse says something and you feel slighted or attacked or disrespected or judged or whatever. Okay.
The thing of it is, is we know that words aren't supposed to hurt us, but we feel bad. Sticks and stones can hurt me, but words never can. Well, then what the hell? It doesn't feel too good. Okay. So what's going on here?
If words don't hurt, why do we feel bad or mad? And what are we as parents supposed to do with kids that are talking back and being what we consider to be disrespectful?
And what are we supposed to do with the world that interacts with us and says things that we can interpret as mean, disrespectful, or, on and on, all of that?
So I want to break down how it actually happens and just give you an example.
Our kid or spouse or anyone makes a comment. They say words. You can input your own example here of what someone has said to you. Just try to go through this with me. I'm going to give you an example, but you can insert your own what somebody said to you as an example.
Here's my example. In this example, a teenager says to his mom, “I can't wait to be 18 so I can get away from you. So I can get the hell away from you, matter of fact.”
Okay, that's what happens. An outside source, out of our control, we hear words. Okay, that's the first part.
The second thing that happens is, is we hear this. Okay, I'm the parent now, as I hear this, our supercomputer or our brain, as a result of all of our life's experiences, all the input that our brain has had combined with this unique processor that is totally uniquely mine, my own brain with its own DNA and all of my unique experience, creates this amazing supercomputer high processor, and it immediately spits out a thought as soon as I hear.
There are several thoughts, thought after thought. So what is a thought? Just as a reminder, a definition of thoughts: thoughts are sentences or phrases that go through our mind. So our mind, our brain, immediately feeds us a thought to our conscious, okay?
Some of the thoughts if we hear this, okay, let's see. We hear this comment from our 18-year-old, or our teenager, “I can't wait to be 18 so I can get the hell away from you.” We hear this, and some of the thoughts that we might hear from our brain might feed us might sound something like this, “Well you disrespect the little, you know... Son of a gun. You're ungrateful. You're spoiled. You're entitled. You're rude. You don't care about me. You don't love me. Hey, good luck surviving alone. Now I can't wait till you get away from me either.”
Okay, these are thoughts that our brains could immediately feed us, possibly. Just examples of what can happen immediately when we would hear something like that. Or whatever your brain, whatever your brain makes what was said to you mean.
So in other words, your brain subconsciously makes meaning out of what was heard, what was said to you, instantaneously. Your brain is making meaning and giving you thoughts back. Ok
Each thought that we have go through our mind creates a feeling. And thoughts like feeling that… Thoughts like these that I just have said create these kinds of feelings. They create feelings like anger.
So, example, what I mean is if my thoughts that are coming to me when my kid says that they want to get away from me are, “You're disrespectful, you're ungrateful, you're spoiled, you're entitled, you're rude, you don't care about me, you don't love me, good luck surviving alone, I can't wait to get away from you either.” If those kinds of thoughts are the kind of thoughts that our brains feed into us, and each one of those has a feeling attached to it, with those kinds of thoughts we're going to have feelings like anger, sadness, inadequacy, shame, worthlessness, and so on.
These are how I'm going to feel when I have those kinds of thoughts in my mind. And so our feelings drive our actions.
So when we feel anger, sadness, inadequacy, shame, and worthlessness, what do we do when we feel that way? When I feel that way, what do I do?
I blow up. I yell, I shout, I call names, maybe cry, I throw things, I disconnect by going away. I've had it with you. Refusing to communicate, okay?
We think about and ruminate how bad our kid is. We think and ruminate about how much we suck as a parent and how could we have raised a kid that would say something like that. And so on and so on. These are the kinds of things that we do when we feel that way.
Okay, and when we're doing things like that, it gives us a result of things like, well, here's the result, we become the kind of person that we don't want our kids to be. Disrespectful, ungrateful, rude, unloving, and disconnected. Okay. That's what we do. Okay.
And the thing of it is, is this little process that I just described, from hearing these words, our brain immediately spitting back several thoughts, and those thoughts causing us to feel a certain way, those drive our actions. And those actions create a result for us, that's so fast and automatic that we don't even realize it most of the time.
We don't even realize it most of the time. We know it feels bad, but we're not really sure how we got there.
And a lot of times, okay, here's the big thing about this, okay? Most of the time we think that we're just observing a fact. That kid said something rude. That kid is rude. He's mean. He's unloving, this and that and the other. And that's just simply an observation.
In other words, we hear the words, okay, and the thoughts that our brain feeds us, we just assume, or we haven't really thought about it or not. They come to us, and so we just think that that's the way it is.
Okay, we miss the point that we can choose or change the thoughts in our mind. The big point that I want to make today is that our brain makes meaning, and it presents it to us like it is a fact.
Like it is factual information. Like there's not an option. It's just an observation. It's just a factual observation that whoever said this thing is whatever, that it is rude, disrespectful, uncaring, unloving, spoiled, or whatever the thoughts are that our brain feeds us. We just think that that's the way it is.
They did something that was rude. Period. End of story. And then, you know, that makes us feel a certain way that gives us actions, and that gives us a result we don't like. And then we end up blaming it on them. Okay. Because of their words. Okay.
When people say things to us, most of the time we don't even consider that we have the power to make that mean whatever we want. I mean whatever we want. We get to pick whatever it is.
You know, just because our brain fed us a thought doesn't mean that we have to accept it and act on it and live with it and think it's a fact. It's just a thought that our brain fed us, not our conscious mind. And we are not our thoughts.
But normally, we just kind of believe our brain. We just believe these thoughts that come to us and we think that that's just the way it is. But we don't have to.
You and I have the power within us, the God-given agency, okay, to make words that people say to us mean whatever we want. Whatever we want.
And I'm not saying to, don't take this to mean that if in my example my teenage kid says something like that to me, that I don't want to be upset. Maybe I do want to have the thought that causes me to be upset.
I'm not saying that I have to choose a thought that's going to make me happy about something I don't want to be happy about. You know, isn't it a wonderful day that, you know, that's not my thought. I don't want my thought to be happy about this. Okay.
But it doesn't have to end up with a result that doesn't help me or anyone else around me either. Okay.
So the goal isn't to be happy all the time and just choose thoughts that are going to make me happy. We might actually want to feel bad about what someone says sometimes, okay, because that's the way life rolls. The goal isn't just to feel happy all the time.
I'm just saying that we can decide what we want to think, and we can change our results by doing so all of the time.
So let's go back to our example. Remember my example, the kid says, “Hey, I can't wait to be 18 so I can get the hell away from you. ”Okay, that's what the kid said.
Now, let's just say that we recognize that that didn't feel too good. And before we reacted, or immediately after we reacted, if that's where we're at, we just catch it.
We become aware of how we're feeling and what's going on a little bit. And we're like, stop, hold on a minute. What if we chose some thoughts on purpose to think about what that kid said, rather than the ones that our brains just automatically gave us?
For example, what if I thought something, what about these kind of thoughts? “Hey, I thought something, I thought I had similar thoughts when I was that age.” That's a thought. “Hey, we all want our freedom and independence.” That's a thought. “You know what, my rules aren't easy, but they're worth it.” That's a thought I can have about that comment.
“You know what? You, young kid, have the perspective of a young person because you're a young person.” That's a thought I could have about that. How about the thought that I know that I'm a good parent, regardless of what you're saying over there?
How about this thought? When I hear that, I say to myself, “I wonder how I can improve over here. How can I help you?” How about this one? “I love you. I love you no matter what you say and there's nothing you can do about it.” How about that thought? How about that thought?
Okay, what about those thoughts? Those are choices, okay? And those and a million others, those are just a couple of examples of what is available for you for the taking, okay? Just put them, all you have to do is take them and accept them if you believe them and they make you feel better. You can have them and you can use those as intentional thoughts rather than the ones that first came to you that your brain fed you. Okay.
Now how do you think, if you're thinking to yourself, on purpose, “You know I used to kind of think that way when I was a kid. You know every human being wants freedom and independence. My rules aren't easy but they're worth it. I can, you know, I know I'm a good parent. I know I'm a good parent, regardless of what you're saying. And I say to myself, well I wonder how I can improve. How can I help you? And I love you. I love you kid.”
How do you think I'm going to feel when I think those thoughts instead? Okay. I'll tell you how I'm going to feel. I'm going to feel loving, I'm going to feel confident, I'm going to feel kind, I'm going to feel respectful, I'm going to feel in control, and I'm going to feel proud of me. That's how I'm going to feel.
And what do you think I'm going to do when I feel that way? I'm going to show up like the kind of person that I want to be. That's what I'm going to do.
And the result is that I'm going to become the person that I want to become. And I'm going to become, I’m gonna produce, I’m gonna become the positive influence for the rest of the world, including my kids that I want to be.
And you know, this little process, I don't know, it might sound complicated, but it's not. Here's a couple of simple steps.
Number one is when you hear words, and as you, as you, if you practice this, okay, what I did and what I see with other people is when I first start practicing this, a lot of times I've already reacted and I'm like, whoops. Then I have to go back and try to sometimes apologize or try to fix what I did. If I reacted in, if I did an action that I didn't want to do. Okay. And then I go back and try to fix it.
So sometimes you can begin there, but here's the first step. As soon as you can and as soon as you become aware of how you're feeling and what's going on, okay, just recognize that you don't feel good after you've heard someone's words. That's the first step.
At some point, as soon as you can, recognize that you don't feel good after you're hearing something, after somebody says something to you, okay? And if you've already reacted to it, then that's okay, okay? We're gonna work to reduce that and eliminate it.
But if you already reacted to it, that's okay. The first step is just to recognize that you don't feel good when you hear somebody else's words.
Number two is to realize, is to think and realize what you're thinking about what you heard. So you think about what you're thinking about what somebody said to you. Okay. And you realize that what you're, what you're thinking is not a fact, but it's your choice. Okay. You just simply realize that what you're thinking about.
The words that you heard is a choice. Okay. That's step two.
Step three is just choose a thought that feels better. Just choose a thought that feels better like we did in our example. We went to, “You're rude, you don't care about me, and I suck as a parent.” We went from thoughts like that to, “I love you. And I can understand where you're coming from.” We went to those kinds of thoughts. So choose a thought that feels better. Okay. That's step three.
And number four is just to focus on the new thought. If the new thought makes you feel better and you believe it, just focus on the new thought. Because what that new thought is going to do is going to change how you feel, which is going to change the actions that you're going to do, which is going to change your result. Okay?
What this is, is it's learning how to manage your mind. That's what managing your mind is. You know, all the noise and chatter that's going on in here, it's more and more understanding it and taking control of it.
Right? Being in charge, instead of being at the effect of or being at the mercy of and blaming somebody else for how we feel, it's taken over. Hey, I'm on site and assuming command, right? Of my life!
That, is that, Ladder 49, John Travolta showed up to the fire at the end of show. He's like, “This is so-and-so here.” He's on his two-way radio or whatever it is. “I'm on location and assuming command.” Okay.
It's the same thing. It's just what I'm talking about. “Hey, I'm Shane and I'm showing up for me in my life. I'm going to choose what's going on in here and be able to have, take more of an active role in the results of my life instead of being at the effect of other people and their words.” Okay. Um, it's being in control of what you think instead of being at the mercy of your brain. That's what it is. Okay. Instead of blaming other people for how you feel.
The thing of it is, that this, it makes the process so much easier to, it makes the process, this process of managing your mind and becoming aware and choosing intentional thoughts, it becomes easier and easier as you improve your relationship with yourself. So this process is easier as you learn to like yourself more.
And I have found myself and in the people that I coach that as I love and accept myself more over time, as I improve the relationship with me, it's easier and easier to find and believe new thoughts about other people's words.
Because you know what I found? I'll tell you what I found. I found that my brain was feeding me thoughts, was making meaning out of other people's words that had something to do with my value. And I found that as I changed what I believe about me, as I came to love and like myself more and more fully accept myself over time, that it became easier and easier to change what I thought the meaning I was making about other people's words because I didn't need to make it mean anything negative about me because I believed more, it became easier.
I'm just saying it makes the process easier if you put this side by side with improving the relationship with yourself.
You know, these are things that we do, that we really dive into and go into detail in Stable Living Coaching. So you can join us in there for that. If you like what you're hearing, we, we teach skills to increase your confidence in yourself and believe that whatever it is that you want to believe about yourself. Okay.
So can you imagine, just take for a second and imagine your world where what other people say, doesn't determine your results. Like I said, sometimes for myself, sometimes I still react without a conscious thought. But I do it less and less. And when I do react, I can immediately recognize how I'm feeling, then I can think about my thoughts, choose the thought that I want, not one that just showed up without my conscious permission, and then I get a different result. Okay.
Hey partner, we're only going to get one shot at this deal. We're only getting one life. We only get so many breaths, we only get so many breaths to breathe until it's over. And what's causing you grief, it's not other people's words. Because words really don't hurt you unless you think thoughts about those words that cause yourself pain. And that is simply the fact.
And you have the agency and the power of choice to be able to choose intentional thoughts about. You can choose to think whatever you want about what those other people's words are. Okay. And it is so empowering to know that. It's not just the way that it is. It doesn't have to be bad. They don't have to be rude. It doesn't have to mean something about you. It can mean whatever you want it to mean.
You can do it on purpose and you can… It's so empowering, okay? You can live with more love. You can, you can give more love and you can feel more connection. And I guarantee it.
If you're interested in what I'm talking about, I would encourage you to join us in Stable Living Coaching. We got a free trial going on right now. You can sign up at stablelivingcoaching.com.
And remember, you cannot fail as long as you Don't Ever Stop Chasin’ it.
