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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this episode of the Stable Living Podcast. My name's Shane Jacob, your host, and I thank you for taking your time to be here with me today. There's lots of places you could be. I'm gonna do my best to make sure you get some value out of this. And trust me, we will.
You know, I got a phone call just about two weeks ago and it was a friend of mine. Pretty good, pretty good friend of mine. I haven't talked to him for quite a while and he sounded like he was down and out. It sounded like he was down on himself too.
He said, he said that he was sitting on the sidewalk, sitting on the curb outside of the Burger King using their free wifi to make a messenger call. Cause he didn't have a nickel to his name and it just got out of the alcohol, rehab for alcohol and he was hoping to get a job the next day and he was going to sell some stuff to get by until he could get a paycheck and he was wanting a few dollars to get a motel room for the night.
So I, of course, I gave him some money for the motel room and I just had a little talk with him. And it was kind of disturbing in that he just sounded so down on himself, you know.
And fast forward two weeks later, day before yesterday.
So now it's been two weeks later, day before yesterday, I got a phone call from another friend of mine who told me, we'll call whoever called me friend two, saying that who I talked to two weeks ago, we'll call friend one, had passed away the day before.
And I don't know the exact conditions, but I would have to say that it had something to do with the alcohol, something to do with the rehab, and something to do with the way that he felt about himself, really, is what it really boiled down to.
You know, I had sent a message.
I sent a little bit of money to him and I had sent a message. I'm looking it up right now. I had sent, I got off phone with him and I thought about it and I sent a message to him through messenger.
And my message to him says, when you figure out you're not defective in anyway as a human being, you'll be happier. I have faith in you.
So that was my message. And I just let it go with that.
And he gave me a little heart, a little love emoji back in response to my message. And then the next thing I heard is he had passed away.
You know, and I will tell you, I went back and found that message because there have been plenty of people in my life that have passed away that I guess I just have to say that I was glad that I left it in that way, you know. Proud of myself and happy that I had, that I'd sent the message instead just left it alone, you know.
And maybe it did or didn't do an ounce of good. I don't know. But for me, I was happy that I did, because like I said, there's been people that have left this world that I feel like I've had so much left unsaid and I wish I would have this and that and the other.
I think of all the things that I could have, should have, would have done. So in this case, I was glad that I sent that message.
You know, after I got the phone call from friend two saying that friend one had passed away, I went out that day before yesterday and I was working on some horses. I'm a farrier.
I think if you've watched this show for very long and know very much about me, you know that I've shod horses for a long time, 30 years probably.
And so I was working on some horses, handful of horses on Monday. I was thinking about, thinking about, thinking about, thinking about hearing from him, hearing he passed away, thinking about all the things that he had said and how he was down on himself and so on and so on.
And you know what I thought about? The fact that every one of us, okay, every one of us with no exceptions need, we have emotional needs.
We need to feel significant. We need to feel like we're important to some degree. We need to feel like we matter. We need to feel loved. We need to feel accepted. We need to feel like we belong somewhere to something. We need to feel like we fit in somewhere. We need to feel like we connect with people to some degree, somehow.
And what happens to us when we don't? When we don't have, when we're not getting those emotional needs met?
You know, what happens, I'll tell you what happens. You know what happens, I know what happens.
What happens is we try like hell to prove to ourselves and to the rest of the world that we're good enough. We spend so much time and energy, you know how we prove it?
We over drink. That's one of the things we do.
We protect ourselves from, we don't take risks. We don't start new relationships. We don't speak up when we have something because we don't think our idea is good enough. We don't ask somebody out if we want it.
We don't get involved and we don't participate and be the one. We don't start new relationships. We don't start conversations. We don't go on dates, if that's the kind of relationship you're looking for.
We just kind of hide out and we don't take risks. We don't start the business because we're afraid we're going to fail.
Or we're trying to avoid the way that we already feel about ourselves and so we, like I said, we over it, right? We over drink, we overeat, we overwork, we over media and over, over a hundred other overs that we do to try to make us feel better because we don't, we're not solid with who we feel like we are when we look at our own value.
And a lot of this stuff is happening in the background.
When I was drinking so much all the time and drinking alcoholically for damn decades, you think I really thought about it? No. I thought I was doing okay. It's just the stuff that was going on.
And unless you have to take the time to understand and get the awareness, it just happens without, just, that's the way life happens when you let it happen to you. Okay.
The other things that we do when we don't feel, when we're down on ourselves, when we don't judge, when we don't value ourselves high enough, you know, we get defensive with people.
Where do think that comes from? It comes from how we feel about ourselves. It's not what they did. It's how we feel about ourselves.
We lash out, you know. We criticize. We judge other people for everything they're doing, you know?
And then we have this need, this strong need. We always have to be right about everything.
You know, we spend more than we make. We hurt the people that are the closest to us that we love, and why? Why do we do all this stuff?
We do all this stuff to feel better about ourselves so that we can feel significant, so that we can feel like we belong, so that we can feel like we matter.
You know, and what I can tell you, what I can tell you is that we do need each other. You know, we do need each other. You can't be, we need connection and belonging and significance to be mentally healthy.
But what the big news is, let me tell you what the big news about all this is. And that is, is that we, ourselves, can fill a good percentage of the needs that we have. Okay.
We don't have to solely rely on everybody else for how we feel. We can fill a good portion of those needs that we have so that we're less reliant on other people for what we need.
Because these needs that I mentioned, these emotional needs, are feelings. And we can decide how we feel by choosing and changing our thoughts. Because thoughts create feelings.
And we can feel how we want when we know how to change our thoughts to the kind of thoughts that give us the kind of feelings that we want, that we need actually, in order to be healthy, mentally healthy.
It takes a little effort, you know, it takes a little effort.
Most people don't even know, you know, that you get to choose to feel important or not, okay?
Did you know that you can get to choose to feel like you either belong or you don't belong? You get to choose whether you believe that you matter or that you don't matter. That you deserve X, Y, Z, or you don't deserve that kind of life.
Are you worthy or you not worthy? Are you good enough? You know, nothing or nobody is out there deciding that for you. It is you and it's me. I get to decide and you get to decide.
You know, and I don't know if you ever knew this, but everyone, all of us, bar none, no exceptions, every one of us can feel significant. We can feel significant if we choose to. Everyone. Okay.
And it doesn't even matter what you've done. It doesn't matter what they've done, what I've done, or what they've done. We can all feel significant. Okay.
It doesn't matter what you haven't done. It doesn't matter what you did. Even that one thing, it doesn't even matter.
And it doesn't matter somebody else said about you or what they did to you or how they wronged you in any way. It doesn't even matter. You can still feel significant. You can still have your emotional needs met and be healthy and have a better life experience if you choose to.
Okay, everyone can believe that they have perfect value, okay, even if even if even if even if anything everybody can.
See, the problem is that without our intervention, our own intentional intervention into what we're thinking and believing, we are going to make the things that we've done, the things that we're ashamed of, the things that we feel guilty for and we wish we would not, we're going to make those things that we did mean that we're not good enough in some way, that we're deficient in some way, that we are just not good enough.
If you don't decide what it is that you want to believe about your value and start taking actions towards what you want to believe, I'll tell you what's going to happen.
You're going to default. Your brain is going to give you thoughts that are going to default to thoughts of inadequacy, insufficiency. You won't think you quite measure up because that's just the way it is.
Look around you. Everybody's out there trying to prove to themselves in the world that they're just good enough.
And it's happening, you know, this isn't for quote unquote people that just think they have a problem with this. I'm here to tell you it's for every living soul.
Because you don't, you're never there. It's the relationship with yourself is just that. It's a relationship. It's ongoing.
We're constantly, right now, right this moment, the things that are happening that are happening to you and you're causing to happen.
Your mind, your brain is making judgments about what that means about your value.
So this is an ongoing process for everyone. Okay. I just want to be really clear with that.
It's not, this isn't something that you've accomplished and check off the list and you've done, you move on to the next thing.
I'm talking about the foundation of all your behavior, which equals all your results in this lifetime. Okay.
And so what will happen is without intentionality here, you're going to think to some degree, whether how much you're aware of it or not, that you just don't quite measure up.
You, you'll think that people like you just, you know, don't deserve certain things. People like you get results like this, because you're a person like you are, whatever that is.
But I'm telling you, it's not as good as it could be. That person isn't, is just a little bit not quite good enough. Okay.
You'll keep hurting the people you love. You'll keep over whatever it is that you're overing, you know, over drinking, over drugs, over food, over work, over buying, bringing whatever it is that you over.
And what will end up happening, and what happened to a pretty good chunk of my life, by the way, just let me tell you, a pretty good percentage of the years that I've been alive, you don't want to do what I did. Okay. Cause I spent way too much time, but spending what a lot of us do. Okay. And that is, is what we spend the resources that we've been given, that we have been given as gifts.
We spend the gifts and talents that we have as human beings trying to prove to ourself and to the world a truth that wasn't even up for debate to start with. Okay.
You'll spend your life trying to prove to yourself and trying to earn or achieve what you had from the beginning, what you have right now, what never was broken, what never was deficient, what never was wrong.
What nothing you do or anything that you don't do, what nobody can take from you. No one, no matter what they do or no matter what they say, what nobody can take from you.
You'll try to go out there and prove to yourself and to everybody something that you already have. And that is your perfect value. That is what you have.
Okay, because I'm going to ask you to just to consider, okay, I'm going to ask you to consider adapting or believe in this thought that I have.
And I hope some of you do too. And if you haven't, I hope you consider this thought, believing that your behavior is separate from your value as a human being, as a soul, as a person on this planet.
And that nothing, okay.
Nothing can change your perfect value. Okay?
Nothing you do or nothing that happens in your life or nothing you've ever done and that everything that you do in this lifetime from the time you're born to the time you leave this world can change that perfect value.
Just consider it.
Because when you develop this belief, when you know that that's a fact, and by the way, just let me tell you, that doesn't make all that stuff that you did that you wish you wouldn't have okay.
It doesn't make the consequences go away. It doesn't make you feel better about it. It doesn't mean it's okay.
It doesn't mean you've got to go back and make compensation for it and try to make it well and try to make restitution where you can.
It doesn't mean any of that doesn't absolve you of any responsibility. Okay, because it doesn't mean that you can do whatever the hell you want and it's fine.
What it means is you could do, you're gonna do things that you wish you wouldn’t have. Okay.
You're gonna have shame and you're gonna have regret and you're gonna have guilt. You're gonna make even mistakes and some of those you might even have done on purpose.
And guess what? What all those things are, it doesn't mean it doesn't make them okay.
You still gotta go through all the feelings and all the forgiveness and all the feelings of guilt, but what you don't have to do is have it affect who you are and how, and your value as a human being.
People do stuff. Human beings do things that hurt each other and they do things that are pretty ugly and pretty hard and you know, it doesn't make them better, but it doesn't change your value as a human being.
That's what I need for you to know.
When you know that, what you don't need to do is all that stuff that you're doing to try to make you feel better, to try to meet these emotional needs, because you're creating them yourself, because you know that you're okay.
Human beings do stuff that they wish they wouldn't have sometimes. So when you're that person, you know that it's not going to change your value.
And people with that kind of value go back and they fix it the best they can. And then they move on and they try not to do it the next time.
You have better odds of cleaning it up and having a better impact on the rest of the world and whoever you harmed when you believe that you're okay, that your value, the behavior wasn't. Okay. But you are.
I clear? Behavior's over here. Value's over here. They're not the same thing.
And that's a belief I'm asking you to consider for yourself. Okay.
When you fully accept and internalize that value and you consistently work at it, this relationship with yourself.
Liking and loving and accepting and forgiving yourself as you go along from day to day and let all that stuff go that you did in the past as you maintain a good relationship with yourself.
You won't need to do all that over, and you know, because it's not helping you anywhere. I'm telling you, you know, it's not okay.
And it changes how you see other people because once I can accept me, I start to look out into the world and I see, hey, I might not like what you're doing, but I don't make it mean something about you as a person.
I look at it the same way I look at me. You're a human being that does things that sometimes I don't agree with them, but I love you anyway, 100%.
It gives you the capacity to love other people more. Okay?
Because when you accept yourself, you can accept others. You don't have to judge their behavior either. Okay?
You’re getting to live this life on a whole new level. You do.
Now developing these intentional beliefs about your value is the most important thing you can do.
And that's what we do right here in my coaching and in my other programs, because I'm telling you, it is the root, it is the core, and it is the foundation of all behavior.
And our behavior, the actions that we do, is what equal our results in this lifetime.
If you want to change what's happening for the better, if you want to do something that's going to give you the most impact.
What you need to do is consider what I'm talking about for a beginning, just for the beginning. Okay.
Now some of you, maybe, you may be thinking that you're, you may be ready to make a decision. You may want to believe.
You may want to believe that, that you're okay. What I mean is that your value is a hundred percent, regardless of what you've done.
You may want to think that. You may want to develop that into a belief. Okay.
Instead of letting those beliefs take over your life without your permission.
And you know, as I was the other day when I was working on those horses right after I heard that my friend had passed away, you know, I was thinking, I had a thought, and I was thinking about what he must have been feeling from the time I talked to him and the time that led up to his passing away, what he was thinking and what he was feeling.
Then I thought about me. I thought about the people I know, about the people I coach, about the people that look up to me, the people that come to me for guidance.
I thought about all the people that I interact with.
And we all have the same kind of thing going on. You know, we all have similar experiences. We certainly all have the same emotional needs. And we all have seems like try to do the same things to meet them.
And a lot of us don't do the things that don't help us, you know, that make things worse actually.
And as I'm thinking about all this and the challenge that we have to accept ourselves, forgive ourselves, and like ourselves, have our value be okay, regardless of what we've done or what's been done to us.
The separation of those two, the clear separation, I was thinking about that.
And I came home and I sat down and it took me just a few minutes and I wrote, I wrote a little thing. Okay.
And what it is, is it's the beginning. It's not the ending, it's the beginning, but it's a commitment to begin.
And it's also a reminder of a way of thinking. Okay.
And I'm pretty proud of this little thing I wrote, and I'm going to share it with you today.
And if you're ready, I want you to do what I'm going to do, which is raise my right hand, and I want you to say it with me.
And, and so here it goes.
I call this The Declaration of Significance. Okay. This is what, this is what I call it. Okay. And so here it is.
If you're listening and not watching, I'm raising my right hand.
The Declaration of Significance.
“I do solemnly swear with all that I hold dear to do my best to embrace the truth that my behavior has no effect on my value, that my invaluable worth is inherent, and that nothing I have done or not done and nothing that has been done to me has or ever will change this certain fact. My value is non-negotiable.”
Okay.
Now, this declaration of significance, if that resonated with you, that'll be available soon at our new website, my new website, shanejacob.com.
You can get your PDF copy there.
This is a good reminder that you can choose. You can declare your own significance, my friends, and it's going to be something that is going to have a tremendous impact on your life.
Take my word for it, my friends.
And thank you for being with me today.
And remember, your value is non-negotiable.
Stay with me.
