Each week I release a free video message with tips on creating and maintaining healthy parent/child relationships. I call my weekly video - "You Are Destined For Greatness" because I have full faith that you my friend, were born to be extraordinary!
So sign up, kick back, and get ready to wrangle some wisdom!
Sign up for
You Are Destined For Greatness here
‍
Inspiration for parents. Enter your info below to get a free printable, frameable copy of The Country Code for Stable Parenting.
‍
Print it. Frame it. Live It. Love It.
Live by the Country Code.
It’s time to Thrive!
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this episode of the Stable Parenting Podcast (The Horsemanship Journey podcast). My name is Shane Jacob and I thank you for taking your time to be here with me today. Today we have a pretty cool subject I'm excited to talk to you about and that is the three-step system to loving your imperfection.
So I've shared on this podcast before, you know, my struggle, my conflict with self-acceptance. You know, I just, previously I had this problem where I couldn't understand it. I couldn't get it. “Hey, here's where I want to be. I'm not there yet, but I'm supposed to love where I'm at? ”To me, it just felt like a settling, accepting, not, you know, not just like, like quitting almost, you know? Just like, this is good enough. Whatever, you know, love yourself how you are.
And it didn't represent the, you know, the fight to where I was going. But the truth is, is when you look at yourself that way, when you're unhappy with yourself and your results and that, it is a constant struggle inside your head and it doesn't work out. It blocks you instead of open your way to progress. Which is what I've learned.
And so, and it's been a hard lesson, and the lesson that I continue to work on ongoing. But I learned this, I learned these, three-step system. Learned this system. I learned the concept, the basis of this system from Dr. Michelle Maidenberg who wrote a book called Ace Your Life. Okay. And also a guest on this podcast two times, and I highly recommend to check out those episodes. They were excellent episodes.
Just search Michelle Maidenberg. We had a two-part, uh, Michelle Maidenberg, Ace Your Life. We had it on part one and part two. Which kind of, was cool in the episodes because we did a little impromptu coaching session with me. And so it made those episodes extra, I don't know, special, different. They stand out and super solid, good information.
Anyway, so the basis of this three-step—of my three-step system to loving your imperfection—came from Dr. Maidenberg because here's the thing, okay, most of us, we are very good at identifying all of the things wrong with us. Okay? Everything. We can hook it, we focus and hone in on all of our mistakes. We, we—everything that we wish we would have done differently.
And it can be disheartening, you know, it is disheartening. And we end up, it ends up keeping us in this loop of underperforming, of unhappy, of not quite making the mark, of trying and trying and trying. And it doesn't feel good. It feels awful. And we feel like we can't—when we feel like we can't get it right, or we keep doing the same things wrong, we just—sometimes we just get discouraged and like quit trying. Okay. Just quit even trying to improve. It's just too hard.
Well, a lot of this sometimes is going on unbeknownst, it's not consciously happening. And here's the thing. Okay. If you're not making intentional meaning out of your thoughts, your brain is making meaning for you. Okay. And most of the time, about all the time that your brain takes over, your—not your thinking brain, not your prefrontal cortex part that does the reasoning, the conscious part, the planning part, the part that you have control over—the brain back there, the supercomputer back there that's throwing you files, thoughts all the time that says do this, think this, think this, think this, think this.
It's creating, whether you're conscious of it or not, the thoughts that you are having are creating the beliefs that you hold to be true about yourselves. And like I talk about a lot, and what I've talked about on this podcast constantly, it seems like, is that what we hold to be true about ourselves is determining our results in the world.
It's having the biggest impact on our children and on our close relationships and how we interact with human beings and the results that we're getting. It impacts what happens to us, okay?
So these little processes that may seem simple are having ginormous impacts on our day-to-day. So it's important. So I'm going to give you an example of what I'm talking about and how this three-step system works. Okay?
So here I go. I went down to the county building here in Clark County to file a form for—there's a lot of forms if you're in business—and for, for our shirt company, Cowboy Cuffs (I don't have one on today), but for our shirt company I needed to file a form with the county. Okay, so one of a zillion.
So I went down to the county building. Okay, so I get in line and it doesn't look like the line's moving very fast, but there's only a couple of people ahead of me. So, hey, so far so good. Because I didn't—I don't enjoy standing in lines and waiting, you know, to file forms to the county building.
And so I was sitting, I was standing there thinking, well, she'll give me the form when I get there. I've done it before a few years ago. You gotta do it every few years and I'll fill it out and it won't take very long and then I'll be done.
And a couple of guys came in behind me and unbeknownst to me on the wall behind me was, was these holders with the forms in them that I needed. And they grabbed them and I'm like, what are you doing? Oh, there they are. They grabbed them and went over there and started filling them out.
So then I thought, okay, wait a minute. If I get up to the lady and I don't have my form filled out, she might push me over there, and I'll have to fill out the form and I'll get behind these guys.
So I'm like, that ain't gonna happen. When I went by the wall behind me, I grabbed one, I got back in my place and I had two forms actually. No clipboard, nothing, I'm trying to hold it on my hand, on the back, so that my hand is behind the paper. That's my—what I'm writing against. So if you can imagine, the paper’s crinkly.
I'm in an awful hurry, and I'm trying to print all this information, just basic contact and such about our company and I scribbled these two things out. Yes, I did it before the guys came back! So I'm still holding my place in line, which the line is really moving slow.
Anyway, I finally—I was the next one. Now I'm the next one. Okay. There's only one guy ahead of me or gal, and then me, and I can be done with this thing. And another lady comes and opens a window. I'm like, shh, right on. I'm out of here.
So she says, “Hey, I can't process the form, but what I can do is I can check it for correctness. That way when you get to this next window, it'll expedite, it'll speed it up. Just in case, we'll check it.”
So she took, looked at my forms. She kind of looked them all over and she didn't, she didn't say—she said, “Well, what does this word say?” So I told her, because she was way off on what the word was supposed to say. She didn't get it right. Okay.
And so then she said, “Well, what about this email address? It's going way to the side of the page and then it curves and goes down the page because you ran out of room. And I'm afraid that when this scans into the computer, since you're way off the edge of the paper and running down the side with your long email address, that it won't be able to—it’s not inside the margins that are scan or print.”
She's like, “Um, I think, I think you…” She just handed me a new piece of paper.
Well, just without thought, I grabbed the paper. Okay. And I was not a happy camper. I grabbed the paper and I'm like, why is it that you need my email address? Because in 10 years, nobody's emailed me from Clark County about anything that has to do with this.
And I made a couple other curt, short comments about, you know, the process and waiting in line and all the things. I was just complaining and kind of throwing a little mini tantrum there because I was refilling this thing. And I still filled it. I re-did the thing and I filled it back out and made it to the next person.
And I wasn't so happy with the next person because they were taking so long, and for some reason I thought that they shouldn't have taken so long. And I finally, I finished. Hey, at least I complied with their damn nonsense. You know, I finished with the stuff, finally out of here. Felt like I was there all day. The whole thing was probably no more than 20 minutes, maybe.
And I walked out of there just like put out. I was just like, “I can't believe this BS.” You know, and I walked out of that building. I was walking—it's quite a walk where I had to park. And I noticed like my chest is tight, and I was angry, and, and then I started thinking about how I treated that lady that came up that was trying to help me get through faster.
And as I drove away, I just thought about what I—what just happened. Okay, so little example. Basically, Shane has a mini tantrum, we'll call this.
And so I was driving away and then I'm like, “Hey, the hell did I just do? I don't behave that way. That's not what I do.” But I did. And I'm like, “I can't believe I just did that.” You know, and I'm like, “What is going on with me? Why do I feel this tightness in my chest? Why am I angry? I just came down here and accomplished what I set out to do, what the hell is my problem?”
So I said, I thought about this. I'm driving home, driving back here to HQ and I thought, “Well, okay, let's think about what it was.” And I did, and I thought about it.
And I thought, well, I wrote like—you know, maybe a preschooler probably could have written that, my forms out, and been more legible. I was in a hurry. I scribbled them out. And I mean, the guys that work here and the gals, I expect them and me to have legible handwriting. And I turned in a piece of paper that—a couple of them—that weren’t legible.
So that's reflecting on me and I'm looking bad and I'm looking like an idiot in my mind. And so none of this is a conscious thought, by the way, while it's happening—while I'm in line and talking to these guys and gals at the county. None of this is consciously happening. I'm just like getting angry and reacting. I didn't think about why until I was on my way home.
So, you know, basically I was embarrassed at what I had done and turned in expecting like it wouldn't even matter. I didn't even give it any thought. Now I'm in the middle of this thing where I'm, in my mind, I'm looking like a total idiot. Because I'm looking like, you know, somebody that can't even write.
So what do I do? Like any, any intelligent human being would be—I blow up at somebody else.
So now I'm thinking, now I'm starting to get ashamed of my behavior, right? I can't believe I did that. What the hell is wrong with me? What the hell is wrong with me?
Can't control my emotions, blowing up over some silly piece of damn paper that I'm the one that made the mistake on because it wasn't legible. And I'm just like, this, it's going in my mind and it's now—it's like escalating and escalating. And it's building and building.
And so this is my example of what can happen. Now, let's just say to some degree, maybe if you think about it, maybe you can relate to something that you've done that you—and then you thought about. Maybe you thought about why, and maybe you didn't. Maybe it was just the action and you stopped there and said, “I can't believe I did that action.”
Which is fine. That's fine. Whether you dig further and find out why, or if you just look at your behavior at something that you've done and say, “I want to do that better. And I'm disappointed and I'm ashamed of myself and what I've done.” And we've all done that.
And so you stop—you can either stop it, you know, “I wish I wouldn't have done that.” Well, and/or you can dig further, like I did, and say, “Hey, what the hell's going on with me? Why did I just do that?” And then I found out why—which, by the way, didn’t make me feel better. Okay? It may have made me feel worse because I expect more out of me, for hell sakes. Okay, that’s the deal.
So, you know, basically I was just ashamed of how I presented and how I treated those other people. Okay?
So now here's the deal. So what do we do with this? What's going on with this? Okay. We can try to justify it. “Well, I was in a hurry and this and that and the other, and she probably gets all kinds of bad comments and people are rude if they have to stand in line. It’s the county building. I mean, if you work there, that's what you can expect.” I don't know what.
But a lot of times, even subconsciously, our mind doesn't like being unhappy with ourselves. So we can justify—not even on purpose—or make up excuses or just try to let it go or whatever we do. But it's just kind of harboring in there.
And if we do nothing with it, it doesn't have a good result. Okay? Or doesn’t have the best result. And if you're going to be your best self, that's not the way you want to do it.
So I'm going to give you three steps to turn this thing around and put it into a positive so that you can be who you want to be. And so I'm going to continue on with my example. Okay?
So basically here is—here’s—I get this a lot from my coaching clients also, and I hear them relay stories from people frequently. And here's the pattern. I'm gonna go over the pattern, okay?
Subconsciously or not, we react or we feel triggered. Okay? People don't trigger us. It's not, “Hey, you triggered me.” We get triggered—that's on us, is what I'm saying—because of whatever, okay?
In my case, I felt ashamed of my—I felt like I was embarrassed and I looked bad and I did this poor thing because, here's what I felt at the bottom of it: because I performed poorly, I am inadequate and I am poorly. I'm not good enough. I'm whatever. Okay, I'm defective. I can't even—I'm X amount of years old and I can't write.
Okay? I said that what I had done, that action—I took a meaning about what that meant about me. Okay? Which is not what the goal is. It's not my goal. Okay. My goal is to separate what I've done with who I am. Okay.
And so we get triggered. We do this reaction. We've all reacted to—whatever—all the time, right? We make this reaction and then we look at it and we're like, hey, we feel guilt or shame for what we've done. That's the second thing in this pattern loop.
And then sometimes—we're not, like I said—we think about it enough to find out why. So sometimes or not, we become aware. We go for the awareness of why we reacted and why we lashed out.
And then the fourth step in the pattern is, is that we feel more guilt and shame for why we did it. Not only do we feel guilt and shame for what we did, now we get to feel double dose of why we did it. Which is actually helpful, by the way, in the end—if you don't leave it alone there.
So what I’m saying is, is if you stay in this pattern, you stay in this pattern—and you continue to do it and then you accept it and everything's okay and you just let it muffle down and you just kind of... What's happening with your brain, if you're not conscious, is you start to believe those things about yourself, of how you are. It relates to your value, your worthiness, your value as a human being. Okay?
Based on these things that you're doing that have nothing to do with your value. I heard a quote about value the other day—it was Brooke Castillo—and she said, “Hey, your value, your worthiness is not your decision. It is by design, not by decision.” I love that quote.
Your value, your worthiness is not by this. It's not your decision. It's by design. Okay. You are given that. It's not even up to you. You're a hundred percent. Period. Win, lose, or draw.
So how am I going to—how am I going to believe that? How am I going to accept that, fully take it in and live it? How's that going to go down?
So here's one of the things that'll help you do this, is three-part system. Because nothing good comes from this pattern of living in this—being disgusted or unhappy with ourselves. Okay? Nothing good is left, that comes from it. Okay?
We're left with unresolved shame, and that’s—never have a good ending. It's never productive.
And really, how many times do we regularly feel bad for what we've done, and then double down on the feeling when we uncovered why we did the thing?
And then just think about it. Just think about the last time that you did this. Just go with me on this if you're not already there. Think about the last time that you were in this pattern.
And if you think about that, what you'll find is it feels awful. It doesn't feel good, for one thing. Okay?
The negative thoughts and words that we use about ourselves, they validate the fact that we're inferior.
Okay, so then it starts to—we start to internalize the fact that we're turn interior—excuse me, inferior—if we don't do anything about it. We're basically proving to ourselves that we're terrible human beings. Okay? That's what we're doing.
And if we're not—don't become conscious of it and do something different—it's having an impact. Cause I'm going to guarantee you something: this stuff matters. It matters. Okay? The thoughts and words that we use to describe ourselves—it's the core of what we believe. It is what we believe.
Our belief system dictates our results. And we don't want the results that this pattern loop will give us—will net us. Because the thing of it is, is you're not inferior and you don't suck. That's the truth of it. You are a hundred percent, whether you like it or not.
It's just something that I hope that you can—you and I—can more and more fully accept and internalize and believe more and more.
So, here's the three steps to loving your imperfections. So when you catch yourself—the key here is changing the mindset when you realize that you're in this mindset, when you're in this negative pattern loop, okay?—to get you back into positive progress.
So here it is. Here's the three steps to loving your imperfection.
Number one is to connect the event to a core value.
What are you talking about, Shane? Okay. Here's the deal: you're not a bad person. You're not a bad person. You're a good person who did something that you're going to consider bad behavior. You're a human being. So you're therefore imperfect. You did something.
You have good and solid core values, but you acted in away that was against—or you rubbed up against—your solid core values.
Okay, so for example, in my story that I talked about, maybe I value being able to communicate well—whether it's writing or speaking or whatever—and that my communication on that paper was poor. And maybe I value that, but I didn't present it. I didn’t do it. Okay?
But I do value that. And I do—like I mentioned earlier—I require it at our horse feed company and in our things that we do at Stable Living Coaching and everything. Okay? So that's important to me.
What about—so I value legible writing. I value communication. And I went against my value.
At a more important value that even means more to me than those values, okay, I value being kind. And I value being respectful to other people. Okay? I want to treat the world the way that I want to be treated. And so that is a big and important value to me. But guess what? Didn't happen that moment. Okay? I wasn’t it that day, that at that time.
So if I recognize my behavior and I'm not happy with my behavior because I value that value—I guess is what I'm trying to say—I can be proud of it.
So, for example, the fact—if I frame this, if I say the value is that I was not kind, I was not completely respectful, I wasn't easy to deal with, and I didn't treat that human being the way that I want to be treated. Okay?
And if I believe in progression—maybe I believe in continual progression—and maybe I look at myself and I don't feel like I was progressing right there. I feel like I was regressing. Okay, so maybe I believe that. You know, because I reacted, I'm unhappy with me because it didn't feel like I'm improving. Right?
So the question is to you, when you look at your own example in your own life—you connect it to one of your core values. Okay?
Why am I upset? Ask yourself, why am I upset right now? What am I upset with? Okay. Connect it to a core value.
In my example, I'm just going to pick one—and I recommend you don't necessarily need more than one—so I'm going to pick one. And my core value is, it's basically the golden rule I'm going to go with: treat other people the way that I want to be treated. Which I did not. Okay? So that is why I'm unhappy. And that is my value. Okay?
Step two is to make amends, where you can. Okay?
I've done things that can't be fixed. Okay? Maybe you have. Everything can't be fixed. But we can do what is in our power to heal things, to make things right, to make restitution where possible. We can apologize for it, if it seems right. Just do what you can to make it well. Okay?
This is going to be good for your soul and yourself and the world. Okay?
So that's step two. It doesn't have to be a big thing.
At this point in time, I haven't fully completed the way I want to—step two—but I'm going to. Because I've got to go back to the county building and I'm going to go up to that—in that department. And if I see that lady, particularly, I'm going to go up to her and I'm going to offer a sincere apology and tell her to have a beautiful day and I appreciate her. That's what I'm going to do. Okay?
And if she's not there, every time I go there, I'll try to take a look for her. Because that is what I want to do because I didn't do it that day. And at this moment, I haven't done it yet. I may update you if I remember in the future. But I will do that. Okay?
And so for you—just think about whatever your thing is. Can you—I mean, what would you—what can you do just to make it well? Okay? It doesn't have to be a big thing.
What I'm talking about in my example, when I get there—since I'm already there—is going to take me all of about 10 seconds, maybe. Okay? Unless I have to wait in line to get there. And I will if I need to.
This is—my point is—it doesn't have to be a great big time suck and a great big thing if it's not a great big thing.
I don't know what my—I don't know what she thought about my behavior that day. I don't know. Maybe she didn't care a lot. Maybe it was a big thing to her. I don't know.
But what I'm going to give back doesn't have to be a big production or a ginormous thing is my point.
Number three—step three. Okay. Step three is to reframe this event and then repeat your awesomeness every time you think about it.
Okay. So here's how this goes.
In my story, I thought about my value of wanting to progress and my main core value that I chose was basically the golden rule—I want to treat people the way I want to be treated. Okay?
And I thought about that, and I thought about my being kind and respectful to human beings. And I realized that my upset over my behavior was a good thing.
And that's what I want you to know. The fact that you're unhappy when you do something that you wish you would have done different—that you're disappointed in yourself—the fact that you have that disappointment in you, the fact that you're not happy, it is based on a value that is a solid, positive, good core value of yours. Okay?
If I didn't care how I treated other people or if it wasn't really important to me, I'm like, yeah, whatever. Who cares about whatever I said to some unknown lady? Random. Okay? Some random lady I don't know. Maybe I'll never see her. Then hell with it. Okay?
Maybe I wouldn't care. So the fact that it bothered me greatly is a positive thing. Now, that's what I'm making it mean for me. It's a positive thing.
I believe in the golden rule. That doesn't mean that I'm going to get it done every second of every day of every ounce that I'm alive. Okay? And what it means though, is that it means it's important to me.
And I have done two things. I have made amends where I can—which, by the way, is not so much for the other party. Sometimes they appreciate that, most of the time. Sometimes I don't know what they think sometimes. But mostly it's for you. Okay?
And let me just tell you something. I have a chance to apologize quite a bit. Because I—you know—I'm a human being is why. And so it feels good to get that part done. And it’s—what they do with it is what they do with it. I've done my responsibility to myself when I make amends to the best that I can. Okay? And I feel good about what I've done.
I've also thought about—in addition—I went above and beyond and I said, “Well, not only am I glad about this, but I've actually made a system, or little my own trigger, kind of, of what I will do to not have that happen again.” So I've got a plan for next time. Okay? So I don't have to go through this. Okay? And maybe it'll work and maybe it won't, but if it doesn't, I'll fix it and adjust my plan and move forward.
But basically, I've framed the event in a way that I feel awesome about myself—for recognizing how I want to be and how I don't want to be, for feeling bad when I act against my values, and for having the courage to go through the discomfort of apologizing and asking for forgiveness and making amends. Okay? For doing what I could do to make it right and for making a plan to do it a little bit differently in the future.
And you know what? That feels pretty good. Okay? Feels pretty good. Now it feels pretty good.
I'm glad that I feel bad about that—because that's who I am. I've gone from, “I can't believe I did that. I'm too old for this. What the hell is wrong with me? Am I ever going to get it?” Okay?
I've gone from that to, “Hey, I'm incredible. I'm incredible. I'm improving. Okay? Big time. I'm proud of myself. Okay?”
I'm the guy who sees that he wants to change, and I change it. That's me. Okay? I live my values. I'm consistently getting better. Okay? I'm an exceptional human being. And I believe it. And I believe that you are too.
I'm just trying to help convince you, and this process will help you make it happen for you. Okay?
I said earlier, these seemingly small shifts in mindset—they seem so small—but they yield enormous results in our lives. Enormous.
These are things that we cover in detail every day at Stable Living Coaching. Hey, if you haven't been there, go to stablelivingcoaching.com and check out the introduction video.
And thank you for taking your time to be here with me today.
Remember, you cannot fail if you Don’t Ever Stop Chasin’ It.
